A lot of people are pissed off right now. The level of abuse and sexual violation to women is become more clear everyday. Refugees are being tear gassed on the US border. Synagogues and schools are being shot up. Everywhere you look there is tragedy, violence and abuse of other humans. There is a lot to be angry at or afraid of.
I tend to run in circles with a lot men who are fairly conscious and intentional about life. They have their men’s circle, have been to therapy and practice new spirituality. The tendency for most of these men is anger. Maybe even outrage.
It’s great that men are now granting themselves and each other permission to understand and experience our emotions. Accessing anger is healthy for mind, body and spirit. It’s amazing that many men now feel comfortable telling a friend or lover that they are afraid. And I’m going to take the stand that feeling and communicating our emotions isn’t enough.
Our world doesn’t change simply because men learn to experience and claim emotions. Our world changes when men learn to use our emotions for the good of ourselves, our families, or communities and our planet. This is why emotional intelligence is only a foundational stage of development. It’s required for business leadership but for life leadership it’s merely a building block.
In my coaching and volunteer work, I advocate and teach what I call emotional competence. Not only is it important to identify and communicate emotions, it’s important to know what the hell to do about them.
First let’s look at gateway emotions. Chances are that as a boy you were taught that anger is not okay, yet you were shown that it is not only okay but rewarded. Aggression in sports, media, comics and even stand up comedy get’s our idols lots of attention and big money. So often, as men, our first reaction is to go to anger. While I’m no longer being a “good boy” I’m still doing the one emotion that men have publicly been rewarded for.
What is your anger actually holding?
It’s common that anger in men is a gateway to sadness. We don’t like to feel or admit sadness, so anger shows up as a protector for the more vulnerable state that is disowned through toxic masculinity.
Are you actually sad? Many men need help even decoding what anger holds. It’s possible you can’t access your sadness on your own. For me it’s taken lots of practice and very conscious facilitation from coaches and other practitioners.
Now let’s assume that you are genuinely angry. What is anger?
Anger is your bodies way of telling you that there is a perceived violation. Typically we are talking about a violation of boundaries, agreements, values, ideals or what we hold dear like romantic partners, homes, children and even our own bodies.
In my coaching sessions, when a client is angry, like a current client who feels his soon to be ex-wife is being unreasonable and unloving in the divorce negotiations and with the time he gets with his daughter, I’ll ask them this question, “What has been violated?”
So when you read about a school shooting or another woman who comes out after being raped by a political appointee, what in your system of importance has been violated?
More importantly, what are you going to choose to do about it?
When we feel we have been violated or breached, we require a repair or we remain bitter and resentful. Choosing to stay angry then creates a downward spiral of anger because we end up letting the anger impact our relationships, our work, our health and our children. Then we get angry at our selves for “fucking up”.
Just telling Facebook, your wife or your men’s group that you are angry won’t do anything. The longer you lie in wait, the more the potential for anger to turn inwards and erode your integrity, confidence and ability to give and receive love.
So next time you are angry at the state of the world, ask yourself these two questions.
- What has been violated?
- What am I going to choose to do about it?
The first question might reveal that in reality a belief has been lost. For example when I heard about the tragedy at the synagogue a belief of mine had been stolen. The belief sounds like, “We jews are safe now. No one is really coming for us.” My 93 year old friend who survived the holocaust would tell me that is a naive belief but it’s still one that lived in my heart and mind. In this example I’m not angry, I’m experience fear and sadness. Yet the voice that shows up is “HOW DARE THEY COME AFTER US”.
Fear needs a protection secured or a reassurance gained. Sadness is a response to loss. What did I lose? Feelings of safety and maybe some unconscious elitism. Sadness needs a witness and to be validated by another we trust. It also needs time.
The second question is where we disempower ourselves. “I’m just one man, what can I do to end school shootings or rape culture?” I hear you, I’ve felt that and I lovingly calling BULL SHIT. You can start by doing anything. Donate, volunteer, educate yourself, help others with awareness, change your own toxic behavior. You have energy to give to the things that piss you off. Every little morsel matters in this huge world that needs transformation.
When we go too long without acting, we just get more angry at the world when in reality we are angry at our own lack of resourcefulness and courage.
Emotions are complex. And we as men have capacity to feel them, understand them and act upon them. When we do, it becomes a super power in social life, love, parenting, leadership and business. More importantly it will be required for our world to transform into a safer place for ourselves and our future generations.
Emotional Intelligence or Emotional Competence? Which do you want when the world is in front of you, waiting for action, love and service?