When a divorce or a major break up occurs, some men will feel the pain…then stay on the same path they were on, recreating the same life but with a new woman and in a new home. While other men will take the opportunity to heal, grow, learn and create a new life far better than they’d had before.
I’m passionate about divorce. Specifically, I’m passionate about helping men reclaim a quality life after a divorce. I’m not passionate about data but let’s look at some data to help understand why I’m passionate about divorce.
Around 50 percent of first marriages are reported to end in divorce, according to the APA. The same report claims that the divorce rate is even higher for subsequent marriages.
Most of us are making the biggest commitment of our lives, without having the knowledge, skills and intangible qualities that lead towards happy long term relationships. This also means that most of us aren’t learning from our mistakes. We lose a marriage and assume it was just a wrong fit or, we tend to think it’s all our spouse’s fault. We take some time to “heal” and then go out looking for another person to marry.
Other studies claim that between 70 to 80 percent of divorces are initiated by women, in heterosexual relationships.
In marriages, women are often dissatisfied or in serious pain and men are oblivious and being dumped. When I got divorced I was nearly blindsided. Recently I’ve spoken with a small handful of men who also claim that a divorce or major break up felt like it came out of nowhere.
Marriage isn’t working as a modern institution. While I won’t even begin to try to fix marriage , I will wholeheartedly advocate for divorce as a powerful catalyst for a man to wake up, clean up, grow up and show up differently.
See there is nothing wrong with the institution of marriage. What’s missing is that no one teaches us how to cultivate the capacities, skills, mindset, and awareness to do it well. And men are expected to just know how to be good at relationships, good at sex and good fathers. Meanwhile, the only thing our dominant culture teaches us is to be good at school, good at sports and good at work.
Over the next few weeks, I will share 5 Steps to Becoming a Badass After Divorce (Or any break up). But first I’ll share my story, so you understand where I’m coming from.
In May of 2015, I completed the legal process for a divorce that was initiated by my ex-wife in January of 2013. We were together for 7 years and married for 3 and a half before she left me. I was madly in love and wanted the relationship to last forever. I had built a life that was far better than I imagined for myself and it all fell apart in the blink of an eye. Here I am, a 31-year-old man, who never thought he deserved love, sex, marriage or a family, in a long term relationship that I thought made me happy. After having zero success with women, dating, and relationships in my teens and 20s, I’d finally gotten married. And then, what felt like “out of nowhere” she left me.
It was the very best thing that ever happened to me. I know that sounds like bull shit, but read on.
From that point on I was inspired to create a life that I loved. Within 6 months I had lost a lot of weight, recovered from lifelong social anxiety, grown my social circles, finally gained some sexual competence and confidence and was having a whole ton of fun, dating women that were more interesting, attractive and exciting than I’d ever dreamed possible. I had found community with other men and I was inspired to change my career and start a business helping others.
My divorce was like hitting a reset button on my life. Everything began to improve. I started to have a personal awakening and I’ve continued to awaken for the last 6 years. Every single part of my life is far better than I ever thought it could be. All because I was dumped by my wife.
As I shared in my last article about divorce https://www.joebernsteincoaching.com/get-busy-living-or-get-busy-dying/, it’s not pretty. It will suck, hurt a lot and if you are awake you will feel the loss. But like all painful experiences, any break up is a signal to make a shift. As much as you are losing something of extreme importance, it’s also an opening where you can recreate a life. And this time, you can do so from a place of maturity and mindfulness.
Keep your eyes peeled for all 5 of the coming articles on How to Become a Badass After Divorce (or break up).
If you have experienced a divorce, break up or lack of quality love relationships and you know you want help becoming a badass, apply to work with me.