Client: “I’m just not getting my needs met. At this point in the relationship I want to be seeing her more often. I want PDA. I want more intimacy. I don’t think that is unreasonable or needy. We just have different needs and wants. We’ve talked about it a lot already. Nothing is changing.”
Me: “You sound certain here. What needs to happen next?”
Client: “On Sunday I want to break up with her. I feel lousy about it. I can’t imagine it going well.”
Me: “What’s wrong or bad about ending this?”
Client: “Nothing, but I’m freaking out. I’ve never done this before. When I’ve wanted to end a relationship I’ve always found a way to create distance or smother her and get her to break up with me.”
Me: “What stops you from just owning your truth and pulling the plug in a mature way?”
Client: “I’m afraid of hurting her. I don’t want to feel like an bad guy.”
Me: “What else?”
Client: “I’m not used to having a lot of choices with women. I’m just not that guy that breaks up with them. I normally hold on too long.”
Me: “What else?”
Client: “I don’t want her to think I’m ungrateful. We’ve had such a great experience. I don’t want to spoil that with a conflict at the end.”
Breaking up with someone is really hard. It can be a pivotal moment in your life. Often people hold on way too long because they are afraid of one really difficult conversation. It challenges us on a identity, emotional, spiritual and physical level.
Or they do it unskillfully. They blame the other person rather than owning their emotions, desires and truths. They do hurt the other person and make a mess of a space of love and intimacy. They start a war with the person they are closest to and who might love them more than anyone in the world.
I know people who have stayed in unfulfilling relationships for an extra year or more because they feared the conversation itself and the fall out. Not only are they staying unhappy in that time but their sense of personal power, physical health, emotional well being, integrity and core confidence is eroding.
Avoiding conversations like this can make us feel small, impotent, disempowered and like we are broken. This avoidance can feel like abdication of responsibility, values, direction and deep love. It’s the opposite of leadership.
When you avoid the break up or conversation that can shift the paradigm in a romantic partnership, you are giving up way too much. You aren’t leading yourself and you aren’t leading the relationship. You deserve more…so does he, she or they.
But what happens when we learn to own our truth, our emotions, our desires and speak them in a loving and compassionate way?
What happens when we learn to lead our relationships with our full heart and spirit, even it if it means ending them?
What do we gain when we grow the capacity to step right into these conversations, face our fears and take the next step in our love lives with poise, grace, power and the most beautiful intentions?
We are great at seeing what is at risk of being lost but we are often horrible at understanding what we gain when we live our lives in this bold, authentic, loving, empowered way.
Here is the text I got from that client on Sunday night around 8pm.
“Dude, it was amazing. She is down to remain friends. We talked about how much we both grew because we were in this relationship together. It was clean, crisp and full of leadership energy on my end. I feel amazing. I can’t believe it went this well.”
Every difficult conversation is an opportunity to show love, respect, power and to grow exponentially. Yet we have a culture that has taught you to avoid them and to hide your true intentions so that we don’t give up a good thing or don’t hurt another.
You aren’t weak. Neither are the people in your life who need to hear from you when challenge, conflict or change is here.
I help my clients create challenging and pivotal conversations on a regular basis. They end up getting more of what they want and growing a deep well of skills and confidence that will take them into the next difficult conversation. These triumphs show them what they are made of and help them feel more alive for days, weeks and months after.
They stop avoiding these conversations and they move right into what will help them create the life they love.
If you are avoiding a challenging conversation, reach out. I have a new service that works directly with these conversations without having to agree to a 6 or 12 month program.
Fill out this form to inquire about next steps!