Human beings tend to hate being compressed, compromised and boxed in. Extremely tight spaces have us feeling trapped and make it hard to breathe.
This is what it can feel like when we are in a career, job, relationship or identity that is no longer a fit. We feel suffocated and imposed upon. We feel like we must stay in our lane or we will lose the little bit of security and stability we have. We feel like we aren’t free, like we are in a cage and we are constantly longing for that escape to a more wide open space.
The relationship, career, community or identity that you’ve outgrown can feel like swimming in a lap pool. You only have a few feet of space to move from side to side. You only have one direction you can swim towards and you will very shortly hit a wall.
Which then leaves you with only two choices…
Turn around and do it all again, boringly, begrudgingly and from obligation or security, not passion, freedom and power. Or…
Get out of the pool.
You fantasize about getting out of the pool. You know that there is more for you to move and breathe out there. More freedom, more aliveness, more direction, more passion, more variety, more appreciation, more more money, more sex, more wildness or more love.
Many of us think that there is no way out of the pool. We see others out there but we assume there is something different or special about them. Or we think there is something wrong with us for wanting to get out of the pool.
“There is no way I could work for myself. I don’t have the discipline or the focus to make it work.”
“Yeah, I’m not that happy with her, but I can’t imagine being lonely or dating again and trying to build a new life with someone else. I don’t understand how others are strong enough.”
“Who am I to be so ungrateful? I’ve worked for this company for a decade. They’ve sustained me, promoted me, challenged me and put me through grad school. What kind of jerk leaves during this transition?”
“After all these years, why the hell can’t I just love him? Why can’t I just be happy, we’ve built a life together.”
You’ve outgrown the life you created. It’s natural, normal and painful. The lap pool isn’t going to cut it anymore. You look down a fork in the road and you see one path that is boring, restricting, narrow and unfulfilling. You see another path that looks exciting, spacious, free, fulfilling, but terrifying.
After romanticizing getting out of the pool for long enough, you take the leap…
And you find that it’s so much harder to orient.
Being single again, starting your own business, moving to a new career, leaving the city you’ve called home or simply choosing to create new habits, community or lifestyle brings with it a sense of freedom but the direction and the parameters aren’t as clear.
It’s like jumping out of the lap pool and landing right into the middle of the open ocean.
There are huge waves.
Instead of your eyes stinging from chlorine, you swallow mouthfuls of salt water.
There are large boats moving extremely fast on either side of you.
You no longer know the one clear direction or the specific boundaries that will get you where you want to go.
You are liberated but lost and need to exert a lot more effort to move in any direction at all.
Yesterday I was working with a client who is 3 weeks into a 6 month sabbatical. He had been in his industry for almost 15 years and was a principal of his company. He did the hard work to face his fears, end the relationship with his partners and take the leap towards a new life.
Now that he is free, he is concerned with understanding how to navigate open waters. What new business will he start? What can he be excellent at…not just competent? Who will he serve? What fucking time should he get up? What practices can he commit to that keep him grounded? What does he do with all of his spare time? Who does he spend time with now that he is alone everyday?
He wants to know all of the answers now. He wants the certainty of knowing how his new business will work. He wants to only choose routines that he knows will bring him to the state of health and consciousness he wants.
He is searching for lanes again. It’s the only thing he knows.
I help him relax into the not knowing. It’s tempting to help him create new lanes and I know that’s not my job. My job is to guide him into this new hero’s journey. To help him remember that the loss of certainty, is the cost of freedom moving forward. To help him understand that he has everything it takes and then some to succeed. To help him enjoy the open ocean and remember that he chose freedom and now it’s just a matter of diving deeper into the ocean of himself.
How do you navigate that open ocean?
You build intuition, emotional intelligence, routines to be at your best mentally and physically. You connect with your values and mission in a more profound way. You get used to the ups and downs that waves bring. You become aware of your autonomy, your resilience and your capacity to create what you need in this world.
You learn to savor the briny taste of freedom, aliveness, peace and love. It looked so sweet from the lap pool. Now you know the truth…
And after some time to acclimate to the actual taste…you savor the flavor, learn when to swim and when to tread and you hunker down for a new life at sea.
If you are thinking of jumping, I urge you to slow down, take a breath and look a bit deeper before you do. If you have already jumped, remember that you will survive and it just takes a while to get used to your new experience of life.
Whether you are feeling stuck in the lap pool or worried about navigating the open ocean, you need a guide who can help you get where you want to go. I’m well acclimated to both sides of this call to adventure. Apply to work with me.
It’s your turn.