Happiness Is Overrated

This past weekend I participated in a couple of plant medicine ceremonies. At the beginning of the ceremony, we go around and speak our intentions and how we want the medicine to help us. Several people said something like, “I just want to be happy.”

Last night I was at a book talk with Adam Grant and Allison Sweet Grant, sharing about the release of their new book The Gift Inside the Box, which is an amazing book for children about generosity. Personally, I think they are brilliant and sound like fantastic parents, and they mentioned that one of their family’s values is happiness.

Our country is founded on the principle of Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

And I’m here to tell you that Happiness is overrated. Don’t get me wrong the emotions of joy, gratitude, love, peace, and excitement all are rooted in happiness and they are part of the recipe for a rich and fulfilling life. Joy itself, happiness itself can make life worth living.

The mistake we often make is that we idealize happiness as a permanent state. We treat it like a mythical land or a pinnacle to reach. Happiness becomes for so many an imaginary finish line when life can feel complete.

This is a toxic orientation to one of the primary human emotions. Happiness is a feeling that is elicited in life. It’s a non-permanent state that has amazing value, yet it itself is not a goal or a value worth striving for.

Why?

Because when we reach for a state of being that is biologically fleeting, dependent on circumstances that are sometimes out of our control and easily attainable through moments that can be bought, we become state chasers. We devalue the full experience of being human. We start to distance ourselves from challenge, pain, anger, sadness, and some of the darker, heavier, feelings and experiences in life. These experiences can bring as much depth, connection, richness, growth, and aliveness as happiness or more.

This is why spiritual bypassing and what I lovingly call material bypassing, (use of things to avoid pain or sadness or boredom, is so prevalent in our world and especially in the worlds of high performers and or personal growth/spiritual warriors.

Instead, I propose we downgrade happiness. Let’s become more realistic about the human condition. Life brings pleasure, joy, love, connection, peace, fulfillment and happiness but it also brings suffering, grief, pain, and challenge.

When we put one side of the spectrum on a pedestal and we limit our connection to the other, we actually limit both. Suppression of anger, sadness, fear or guilt will also suppress our capacity to feel our happy moments.

I’d challenge anyone who treats happiness as a goal or a value to rethink their orientation to emotion. I’d challenge you to set up your life in a way that focuses on the actions, choices, beliefs, communities, values, relationships and experiences that help you feel the emotion of joy more often. And to fully embrace the breadth of human experience.

When I work with clients, one of the first things I do is educate and enrich them with clarity on emotional intelligence and emotional competence. That comes after a deep dive on their personal values. This helps them create alignment in their lives and orient towards more than just happiness. It helps them see what is most important to them and start to take actions that bring them to personal integrity. When they do this, they feel more alive and fulfilled and sometimes more happy.

The idea that we should feel happy all of the time is one of the thieves of happiness itself. Set up life to create it. Be prepared to receive it, and drop any expectations that it is a permanent state of being or a magical place to land in life.

When you do…

You will be SOOOO much happier. Can you handle that paradox? I know you can!

When you are ready to feel more aliveness, peace, love, excitement, challenge growth and yes…happiness. Reach out to me.

It’s Your Turn!