It’s Not Me, It’s You!
I’ve experienced the ultimate rejection. The woman who said “I do”, eventually said, “I don’t”.
What could happen if you rejected the idea of rejection all together?
We all know the cliche’ break up line of “It’s not you, it’s me.” Historically we’ve made that line the butt of many jokes. We assume it’s insincere and that the person is simply just tired of us or we don’t “make the cut”.
This week I was talking to a prospective client. He has been putting his life back together for many years, after a tough divorce. He is 50 years old, owns a house he loves, has a great job and is paid well and the one thing that is burning inside of him is the idea that he “has to find his wife”. Meanwhile, in the past 3 years he has had a few long term relationships that weren’t great fits and ended poorly.
Most recently, he was dating a woman for 4 or 5 weeks that he was really into. He finally felt a deep connection with her. He felt that she appreciated his honesty and capacity to share emotions and be vulnerable. She also shared that she felt a lot of connection and was really enjoying their time together. He was attracted to her and thought it was going really well.
Then out of nowhere comes a text that she doesn’t want to see him anymore. There is another guy she had been dating as well. She simply “feels more connection” with the other guy. So he does what we are taught to do…
He took this personally, assumed he is defective, felt depleted and started to spiral downward. His sentiment he shares is “I thought I had what I wanted and clearly I was wrong. I was emotionally honest and vulnerable, I listened, I slowed down, I was present. I did all of the things that my therapists and Brene Brown told me to do. Opening myself up isn’t worth it and doesn’t work anyway.”
He believes the learned narrative that he is worthless if someone he wants, doesn’t want him. But here is the thing. He is missing the entire point of doing inner work, learning to communicate, opening your heart and even loving. He is expecting there to be some finish line where he has it all “right” and he can effortlessly attain a loving relationship.
Folks, this is not how it works. What he is missing completely is that he had a deep connection with the type of woman that he has always hoped for. The type of woman he has been working his ass off to be with. He had co-created a kind of communication that felt deeply intimate. This experience brought him leaps and bounds closer to the kind of relationship he wants than he has ever been before. He is so close…
Yet the small or young or wounded ego within him wants to pack it in…call it quits…and avoid opening himself up again to another woman.
When someone says, “It’s not you, it’s me”…
That isn’t bullshit. It really is them. They have neurosis, fears, wounds, misperceptions, preference, history, desires, and values…we all do. They get to decide what is right for them, without it being a statement of your worth. Just like you get to make dozens of choices per day when a “yes” to one thing means a “no” to another.
And…
“It’s not me, it’s you”…
That’s also ignorance and a half truth . Of course, it’s you. Of course, there is something to be learned, gained and grown into from any experience of “rejection”. Of course, there are ways you can grow your skills, capacities, mindset and open your heart more. You are feeling pain because it’s your body, mind, psyche and spirit’s way of telling you…something’s gotta change.
Here is the deeper truth.
If you walk this earth imaging that every time a person thinks you aren’t the right fit for them is a rejection or a statement about your lack of worth…You’re FUCKED!
This applies to your love life, social life, hobbies, volunteerism, your career and to your relationship with yourself. It especially applies to anyone in business for themselves or in sales.
What if each time someone made the choice to choose another, it was a gift?
What if that level of discernment on their part is something that is saving you from a wrong fit or a situation that is far less beneficial than what comes around next?
What if you got better with every rejection?
What if you found a deeper sense of grounding into your own value, each time you got a “no” or “Thanks but I went with someone else”?
At this point, you might be saying “Well, that’s easy for you to say, Joe “I don’t hear you talk about getting rejected recently.”
Well, that is because I don’t believe anyone can reject me. I don’t believe that hearing “no” or “not now” is a bad thing. I don’t sit with those feelings and thoughts very long when they do come up…so of course, you won’t hear me talk about my own rejections.
And I absolutely apply my own medicine.
I face what most would call rejection daily. There are two that happened this year and stand out for me.
In January I had been dating a woman for about 6 weeks. This was the first woman that I really liked after my big break up last year. On paper, we were an amazing fit. From a values , lifestyle and priorities perspective we aligned. She wanted it to work, I wanted it to work. It didn’t work. We had attraction and got along well but did not have strong chemistry. She had been dating someone else for a few weeks longer than we had. They established more connection and that was in the way of our chemistry. She chose to be with him.
About a week later, I met the woman I have been with for the last 8 months, who I am deeply in love with and we’ve cultivated a magical connection.
A couple of months back, a man had reached out to me for my services. I met this guy about a year earlier, we stayed connected and he was ready for a coach. I loved what he was up to and what he wanted me to help him with. There was no question he was an ideal client! But, he hadn’t had a coach before and hadn’t done his research. He asked if there was anyone else he should talk to. So I referred him to the person I know, who I thought would serve him the best.
He chose to work with that guy instead. I was initially upset. I had been on a slump and no new clients were coming in. Not only did I want to work with this guy, I felt that I “needed the win for momentum”. After a couple of hours, I came to my senses. I recognized how happy I was for my friend, who he will now work with. I realized that in hindsight, the potential client was probably better off with him anyway. I also recognized that both of them were really excited and impressed with each other. So I thanked the universe and moved on.
Within weeks, 2 new clients showed up to “break my dry spell” and 2 former clients reached out to get going again!
Now for the thing you don’t want to hear…
When you set up your life to avoid hearing “no”, hiding when you weren’t picked, retreating when someone else was chosen and eroding confidence with each missed “swing”, you create a very small life.
It might be a great life to some, but it’s a life much smaller and less ALIVE than it could be. We grow outside of our comfort zone. Avoiding “no” is a great recipe to avoid the step outside the comfort zone.
What would be possible for you if you rejected the idea of rejection?
What if you embraced everyone’s full agency and learned to thank folks for their discernment?
It’s Your Turn