I have been working with a new client who is in his late 40s and has always been a suave and sexy character. He is dating a woman who is fiery, passionate, alive and extremely overtly sexual. And…it’s creating challenges he’d never expected. What he had dreamed about in his teens, 20s, 30s and most of his 40s, is no longer meaningful to him. A recent breakthrough was created through getting rid of the old stories and filters he ran his sexual identity though.
It’s my personal belief that we tend not to ask enough questions.
Then, we often ask shitty questions. Questions like, “What’s the meaning of life?”
Joseph Campbell said, “I don’t think people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive.” I tend to agree with old Joe, except I believe that the meaning of life is to create a life full of meaning.
Today, I’m asking the question “What is the meaning of sex?”
And I’d like to focus on the question on men. So the more refined question is this…
“What creates a meaningful experience of sex and sexuality for men?”
The fact that we don’t ask this question very often is damaging to our world. Humans are meaning-making creatures. When we don’t mine for meaning (inside ourselves, our relationships, our communities, our cultures or globally) we are aimless and destructive. We are feeling a void inside of ourselves and we seek to fill the void by wanting more. When we feel we are blocked from having what we think we want (more), we will feel angry and from anger comes strategies of force, control, condemning and domination. We dehumanize others when we feel the only way to our desired path requires force, control, condemning and domination
For centuries, men have been dominating themselves and others, in the name of sex. This is an unavoidable truth in our current consciousness. I don’t have the expertise, time, or courage to unpack all of the ways we dominate and all of the harm it causes.
What I know is that we cause less harm, to ourselves and others, when we know how to create meaning in our lives and through sexuality.
Back to the question. “What creates a meaningful experience of sex and sexuality for men?”
This question has very few universal answers. For each man, the truth will be different and it depends deeply on where you are in your personal and relationship development. I’ll use the men I’ve been as an example.
When I was 16, I was still a virgin. I had spent my entire childhood and adolescence feeling unattractive to women and experiencing negative body image. I didn’t love my body so I imagined that no one else could find me sexy or sexual. At that time, meaningful sexuality would simply have been any access to sex and sexuality with a woman.
When I was 18 and having sex with my first girlfriend, I was unhappy with the quality of our sex and wanted greater performance. Thank god for the internet. I studied and learned about how to please a woman. At that time, meaningful sex meant I could occasionally get her off.
After that relationship ended, I went 6 years without dating. At 25 I was 340 lbs and hadn’t touched or kissed another human for an unbearable amount of time. I had completely numbed or avoided my sexuality. Once again, any sex at all would have been extremely meaningful. To be desired by anyone would have been my fantasy.
During my marriage, sex was available and relatively frequent. It was not very high quality and I don’t believe my ex was enjoying our sex much. So when I was going through my divorce, only two things brought meaning to my sexuality. First and foremost, that I was able to please women, frequently bring them to orgasm and that they saw me as sexually powerful. Second, I had to believe I had access to multiple women. So I dated multiple women and focused on their pleasure and orgasms.
When I got back into a committed, monogamous relationship, I wanted to have sustained sexual intensity and passion well beyond the “honeymoon phase”. So I worked my ass off to create that. The problem was that I co-created a relationship where sexual compatibility and passion was one of the only things we had in common. Our values were misaligned but we rocked out in the bedroom.
Quickly, that powerful sexual connection became less and less meaningful. So I began to long for sexual energy exchange with women that I shared deeper values and worldviews with. As I continued to develop my character, mindset, business, body, heart, and spirit, it was clear that I no longer needed more. I desired DEEPER.
So as I became single again, my libido was almost non-existent. I had this story that once I became “free” again, that I’d be driven to sleep around, date multiple women and return to being an orgasm creating machine. I was stuck in my old mindset around sexuality. My belief was that my sexual performance had to be extraordinary to be desired. But deep down I was longing to let go of the performance mindset, truly accept my body, enjoy my own pleasure and have a soulful sexual connection with myself and another. When I was 18, I was grateful for the internet. When I was 37 I became grateful for learning to listen to and honor my body and spirit, over my mind.
Now I derive meaning from deeply connected and sensually awake sexuality. Both with myself and with my romantic partner. Simply having access to sex, feeling
What brings you meaning in sex or sexuality?
Back to my new client.
He had been struggling with the fact that his lover can disconnect emotion from sexuality and he can’t. He had been struggling with the fact that she is almost always “ready to go” and he isn’t. He had been struggling with the fact that he actually wants or needs less sex than she does and wants more connected sex. He wants to know that she is considering his feelings and desires and isn’t treating him like some horny teenager that should just drop trousers when she was ready.
He was believing that something was wrong with him because he wasn’t that horny teenager, that our world has taught him he should be. He was struggling to embrace or more emotional and tender sexual identity.
In our work, I let him know that he is a lot more normal than he
One thing that I believe is universal is that for each of us we desire to experience liberation and love through sexuality and sex. When we compare ourselves to culturally prescribed ways of being or we repress our true wants, tendencies or desires, we aren’t loving ourselves or being free. When we aren’t loving ourselves, we aren’t truly present to and loving our sexual partners. And our sex can feel meaningless…no matter how much we have or how many partners we have.
One of my missions is to help men gain more satisfaction in love, dating, sex, and relationship. I know what it feels like to be starved in this part of my soul. I know what it feels like to be at the buffet but not that hungry as well.
It’s time that you explore your sexuality at a deeper level. No one is encouraging you to do that or teaching you how to do that. That’s one of the many ways I help.
It’s your turn.