Your whole adult life, you’ve relied on the power of your network. Who you know, how you connect and the value you bring to others is a primary focus…you wouldn’t have succeeded in your career if it wasn’t.
Now it’s time to leverage your emotional and social network. It’s called community. When the going gets tough, some men isolate…badasses reach out, ask for connection, practice being authentic and spend time with those that love them.
This is another installment of How to Become a Badass After Divorce or Break Up. It’s about finding
Western cultures rose to power on the basis of a strong individual identity. You are no different. You’ve been
As men we are taught that we are supposed to be popular, but when life gets hard that it’s your job to isolate. There is a fallacy that other people don’t want to see our real state, especially if we are struggling or they perceive us to be. But nothing could be further from the truth.
Let me be crystal clear. You NEED other people. You NEED community. Community NEEDS you…even when you’ve fallen and
I remember the moment that my therapist told me that I probably don’t need therapy. After a few months of creating some meaning and shifting my energy, after my wife decided to leave me, she felt like she wasn’t helping me that much anymore. She was right.
She then told me that I’d be better off in a men’s support group. Both of us searched around but didn’t find a DC area divorce therapy group for men. Eventually, I found my men’s community and various other men’s groups. These experiences have changed my life.
These men were there for me when the divorce got sticky. They were there for me a year later when I knew it was time to leave my old career and felt crushed. They were there for me when I knew I wanted to create a coaching business but had no fucking clue how. They were there for me when I went through another major break up last year. I would have not have become a badass after my divorce if it wasn’t for the community.
As I was writing this, a man from my men’s community called me to help him through a big existential/emotional challenge. We talked, it helped him vent, get grounded and then be the loving badass that he is with his new wife and with his extended family all weekend.
When we are going through a loss or big transition, we need others to reflect back a more grounded reality. We need shoulders to cry on. We need folks that will listen to us, as humans need verbal processing of emotion. We need a place to feel welcomed. We need to feel belonging. We need a social life to fill the open time that now exists. We need folks who will see us over time and let us know how much progress we are making. We need these kinds of resources and experiences from others whether we are going through a
Here is a short list of things I recommend for surrounding yourself with people when you are going through a major break up.
- Group therapy
- Men’s groups
- Work out communities (Yoga/Crossfit)
- Meet Up groups
- Spiritual community
- Neighbors
- Family
- High School friends that still have your back
- Online forums or FB groups for your particular situation/demographic
- Group coaching
- Co-working spaces
- Networking groups with real relationship building
- Artistic or lifestyle based communities
- Personal Growth Workshops
When you are hurting you need to be around other people.
You need to hear “I’ve been through that before too.”
You need to hear “It will be okay.”
You need to learn new things and be around new ideas.
You need to get out of your comfort zone and stretch.
You need to be seen, appreciated, accepted and loved.
You need to a “space” to be of service to others.
When things don’t hurt as much, these communities will be your new social life and will be filled with potential people to date. You might think that people don’t want to spend time with you when you are going through troubles, but that’s not true. We are
Then over the course of years or months, as you become a badass, they will see you as a badass because they were on the sidelines watching you hustle to rebuild life and your sense of self. You’ll have adoring fans.
Here is an exercise to try right now. Do this whether you are dealing with a
Identify your King’s Court. Write down the 3 to 5 names of people that you know will be there for you, offer guidance, tell you the truth and support you when things get messy.
Imagine your community. If your social life/family life fell apart, what is your community outside of your relationship? Where would you spend your time? If you aren’t sure, it’s time to imagine what that could look like. What new hobby, interest or activity would you like to get into? Where can you find others who are already into that?
You might resist being seen but it’s time to get over yourself and allow the power of many to help you achieve badassery!
It doesn’t matter if my clients are hiring me for health or for love. I’m always helping them create
Are you finally ready to become a badass after your breakup or divorce? Reach out.
It’s your turn.