It happened to me recently. It happens to all of us. My partner was in a really delicate state and I was not listening well enough to see and treat her accordingly.
It created a fracture and almost ruined a romantic evening. We’d set aside time to connect and be present with each other, but my response to an alarming situation in her life almost created a rift that would have taken days, weeks or maybe months to repair.
I was cooking dinner and focused on getting it “just right” and meanwhile she was triggered, frightened and angry. For a moment…I was blind.
But I caught myself quickly, slowed down, checked my own stories and really listened. I got to learn so much about my lover that night and instead of being frustrated with her, I learned to love and understand her more deeply.
When I talk to women about what they want from their male partners a lot comes up. In fact, I get frustrated because I believe our world has taught women to want a lot from men in a romantic partnership. Much more than and vastly different from what we are taught to provide and or be.
One thing that always comes up is this. “He doesn’t listen to me. That’s all I really want. Why is this so hard for men?”
Guys, listen up. When she says “You’re not listening”, that’s probably not what she really means. I’m no woman whisperer, and in fact, the concept is a little disgusting to me. But I can tell you that when women in my life have used the word “listen”, when I dig deeper I find that it’s a lot more than just listening.
For a man, we tend to decode that phrase as “pay more attention” or “retain what I’m telling you” or “remember those important dates and details”. While all of that may be true for a woman. I find that what is really behind the “You’re not listening” complaint is more like…
“You are distracted and I want you present.”
“I’m emotional and you are trying to solve my problems with logic.”
“I know that you HEAR me but you aren’t even beginning to understand me.”
“I want real quality time with you.”
“You are completely oblivious to what is important to me.”
“You say you are listening, but then you never change.”
“Why do you always think you are right and aren’t curious about what I know/see/feel?”
“I don’t feel connected to you and you don’t seem to care.”
“I’m having a hard time trusting you because you don’t follow through.”
“We have very different priorities and my needs aren’t being met.”
“Just fucking love me, try and understand me and admit when you don’t have the answers.”
It’s not about the actual content of the complaint. It’s about the deeper context of the message and what it is trying to communicate about her and or the relationship itself.
So I want to give you one simple tip. One phrase that could change your relationship or your life for good. This alone won’t change your life, but it can open the door to deeper communication, deeper trust and more intimacy.
Before the next argument, miscommunication, cold shoulder or awkward silent car ride filled with tension, ask your partner this one question at a time when you are both present and relaxed.
“Love, (honey, babe, hot stuff, GURL, etc) what have you been trying to communicate to me, that I’m just not understanding?”
Then, just listen. Don’t defend. Don’t explain. Don’t question. Just say the following phrase.
“Tell me more.”
Then, if you have a question, hold it for a later time. Next, say this.
“Thank you. I’ll let that sink in.”
And if she is open to it, give her a hug and a loving non-sexual kiss.
If you want to know more about how to become a better husband, boyfriend, lover or partner, reach out to me.
It’s Your Turn!